


bad habits

by mossymoon



Category: Banana Fish (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Ash Lynx Lives, Ash Lynx Needs A Hug, Author Is Sleep Deprived, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Implied/Referenced Sexual Assault, M/M, Men Crying, Near Death Experiences, Pining Ash Lynx, Psychological Trauma, References to Depression, Russian Roulette, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-20
Updated: 2020-09-20
Packaged: 2021-03-08 04:08:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,685
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26559490
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mossymoon/pseuds/mossymoon
Summary: ash lynx finally learns just how bad his habit is.
Relationships: Ash Lynx & Okumura Eiji, Ash Lynx/Okumura Eiji
Comments: 16
Kudos: 199





	bad habits

**Author's Note:**

> this is more of a drabble than anything, but banana fish has really been on my mind a lot lately. an extra tw for su*cidal thoughts and discussing ash's past briefly, pls stay safe and enjoy (´･ᴗ･ ` )

ash would be the first to admit that he had a terrible habit.

it'd started when he first been gifted a gun by golzine. he'd given him no ammunition of course, but allowed him to keep that heavy magnum revolver in his tiny, barely eleven-year-old hands.

it'd been his only real possession for a long time; he would religiously polish it with his tattered clothes, sleep with it clutched to his chest, toy with the cylinder and listen to the ratchet tick into the heavy silence of his cramped, dirty cell in the back of club cod.

he would fantasize of a single bullet in one of the six chambers, spinning the cylinder and cocking back the hammer before pointing it to his head, murmuring a soft _bang_ as he mimicked the movement of a live round firing, only left with a broken promise from the empty click of the trigger.

since then, he'd advanced from his risk free gamble, now having access to endless amounts of bullets to load into the chamber. even after charming his way into the favor of his captor, rising to power in the shadows of new york city, he'd felt empty.

everyone around him would tell him that he was living the life of luxury, that he was an elite hoodlum who had the world at his fingertips, but he couldn't make himself feel that way. whatever flicker of humanity he had in him when he ran away had been snuffed out a long time ago.

the constant beatings, the sadistic sexual torture, the endless deaths of people who were suddenly his responsibility, it destroyed him. he would limp back to his small apartment, bleeding and bruised from whatever ordeal he'd been swept up in that particular day, and just sit on his unmade bed and think: why was he even here? what purpose did he serve to this world other than caring for his brother who could barely form more than a few feeble words, the brother who would never remember the aslan he wrote letters to and played baseball with?

he was a filthy delinquent, a coldhearted murderer with barely anything, let alone anyone, to live for. he was nothing, just as he'd been told all his miserable life, nothing but a wild animal that scratched and hissed at anything that got too close.

so he would sit in the corner of his disorganized apartment, loading a single round into one of the six chambers, digging the muzzle into the side of his head as he prayed that this one was the one.

and it never was. it was always another empty promise.

he would spin the cylinder again and again, night after night, sobbing in frustration with every failure. when things went wrong, it was the first thing he thought of doing.

and now he had this boy, this lovely innocent japanese that cooked odd food and tripped over his words, the purest paragon of blissful ignorance. he could barely dip a toe into ash's world before he came running to hide behind him, and yet ash needed him. he needed eiji okumura more than anything he'd ever thought he'd needed in his life.

which is why he couldn't bear to disappoint him the way he did, to constantly turn his back to him so he didn't have to see that tearful look shining in his eyes every time he went out and ordered him to stay in.

 _don't look at me like that_ , he would always tell him, but the boy never knew what he was talking about. he was oblivious to the way he broke down every wall that ash had meticulously set up for himself, stripped him to his very core with just a single, pleading look.

eiji deserved so much better than the likes of him.

that thought invaded every inch of his mind, eating away at him every hour of every day, forcing him awake at night as he was right now. and now it had forced the revolver back into his hands, the cylinder flicked out to expose a single filled chamber.

eiji was in the bed next to his, staying with him at his hideout despite the danger and the dinginess. the silver moonlight through the fogged windows illuminated his sleeping figure under the blankets, back turned to ash, body rising and falling with soft, even breaths.

it was better this way, he thought, to let him sleep and settle the score alone as he always had.

ash sighed deeply, shutting his eyes and allowing his finger to spin the cylinder a few times before pushing it back into place with a clack. his arm instinctively lifted the gun to the side of his head, cold metal pressing unforgivingly against his skull.

it never worked anyways, it was just something to kickstart his process of coping. eiji would be able to rest easy; he wouldn't have to comfort ash in this moment of weakness, he wouldn't have to have his innocence tarnished any further with ash's meaningless, irrational feelings.

his thumb drew back the hammer, the familiar shift of the inner mechanisms clicking as the pad of his index finger rested on the trigger.

strangely, he had the briefest moment of hesitation, a sudden alarmed twinge in his chest making him falter for the first time, something primal screaming for him to stop.

"ash?"

his eyes snapped open, blood draining his face at the sight of eiji sitting up in bed, dark eyes wide with terror. "it's not.. eiji..."

the gun fell with a muffled thump on the mattress next him, nervous sweat making his trembling hands clammy. he had been asleep just a moment ago, why was he awake now?

why now?

"ash," the boy repeated, gaze shakily flitting to the revolver at his side and then back to him, "why..?"

he was frozen in place, watching his friend stumble out of his bed and snatch away the gun. his eyes watered suddenly. he didn't know why, he couldn't remember why. his mouth open and shut wordlessly, failing to conjure an explanation or lie to excuse himself.

eiji carefully set the gun as far away as he could from him, kneeling on ash's bed and look up at him with that damned pleading look. warm tears spilled down ash's face, teeth digging painfully into his bottom lip to hold in a pathetic sound clawing at his throat.

he stiffened at the feeling of something warm brushing his face, realizing through his blurred gaze that eiji was gently wiping his cheek with the knuckle of his index finger, scooting just the slightest bit closer to him. his instincts told him to run, but his heart remembered eiji, allowing his hands to tenderly hold his face.

"i'm right here." his voice was barely a whisper, still raspy from sleep, but the words echoed like a deafening scream.

he's here.

someone is here.

"i don't want to die." ash breathed, jade eyes flitting over the sad, close lipped smile on eiji's tired face.

the boy's arms moved around his neck, gently pulling his friend to him. ash slumped forward, face burying into his warm shoulder as tears and snot soaked through the faded cloth of his shirt.

he could feel his hands rubbing his shuddering back, fingers combing slowly through his blonde hair. his touch was knowing, perfectly comforting in that desperate moment of confused despondence. he felt the warmth slowly return to his heaving chest, eyes and nose gradually drying as his breathing steadied once more to a normal pace.

eiji made no attempt to pry any further, whether it was because he didn't want to know or because he knew ash wouldn't give up the information, just holding him as long as he needed. the background hum of the old air conditioning and distant wail of sirens from the streets below them blended together, the thought of time slipping away from them.

they could've been there for two minutes or two hours, it was a quiet blur, ash's hands eventually releasing the sheets below him he was unconsciously clenching, sniffling up the last of his sorrow.

pulling away from him, a frown flickered over ash's expression at the sight of glistening tear tracks tracing down eiji's cheeks, looking out of place alongside the small, sage smile tugging at his lips.

"you look tired, ash."

despite himself, he laughed softly, eyes rolling. "is that what you're thinking of right now?"

"you need to get more sleep, it's bad for you to stay up so late all the time."

he nodded weakly, agreeing with his innocent japanese friend.

"i guess i'll be going to bed then." he murmured, turning away to lay down in his bed again, "goodnight, eiji."

he was surprised to feel a familiar weight sinking into the mattress beside him, the image of eiji staring at the back of his head as he laid there vivid in his mind.

he didn't want to admit that he wanted him closer. 

"you don't have to be here if you want to be in your own bed again. i'm okay."

"i want to be with you, ash." his voice was already beginning to sound sleepy, a hand placed comfortingly between ash's shoulder blades.

ash allowed his eyes to fall shut, relishing in the small connection he had to his eiji. he didn't object his presence any further, knowing that it would be a vain effort and that he didn't want him to go.

he didn't remember falling asleep, but he awoke groggily in the morning, alone but well rested. he could smell the scent of another one of eiji's odd breakfasts as he found his gun on the windowsill, flicking open the cylinder out of habit.

his breath hitched in his throat, the weight of reality squeezing around his heart for a brief moment. for the first time, the bullet had been lined up with the chamber, just a trigger-pull away from being fired.

ash had a terrible habit, and he swore to himself that day that he would break it.


End file.
